ten years

if my mom could see me now i wonder what she'd say.
i wonder what kind of advice she'd be giving me.
i wonder what our conversations would be.
i wonder how close we would be.
we were so close.

i wonder what kind of grandmother she would be.
i wonder what crazy things would come out of her mouth that would make my children smile.
would we talk everyday?
i'm sure of it.
would she be in nashville all the time?
i know she would.

she could have saved me from having to go through so much.
everything i've struggled with in past years i remember her struggling with.
she'd already been there.
maybe it was a work in progress, but she had it figured out.
she could have saved me, directed my path.

it's when i think of all that, i know the Lord wanted me to figure it out without her.
i would have depended too much, maybe not looked to Him like i should have.

yesterday was such a different day.
ten years without her.
the outpouring of love from friends that i haven't even known that long, the outpouring of love from friends that i haven't heard from in a long time .... it was overwhelming.

ten years is a strange place.
i feel a lot more removed from my mom than ever before.
i've cried to casey just this year telling him that i no longer know what my mom would say.
how she would encourage, how she would direct me.
i'm now in a stage of life that i want more than ever for her to be here
and i have no clue what that would've looked like.
my sweet dad tells me what it would have been like, and it sounds amazing.
it's reassuring to know what i already thought.
though it hurts, i know that this is the way God intended.

this was the path for my life.
it brought me to meet and bond with a handful of amazing friends at ole miss who loved me unconditionally.
i met casey who everyday amazes me with just how amazing he is.
he knows just what i need and the right words to say. he knows how to love me.
it bonded my dad, brother and i together in a way that would have never happened otherwise.
yes, we had to go through a few hurdles to get to that place, but to me it was worth it all.
i cherish those two so much. i don't know where i would be without their love, their support.
and now it's brought me to have deep relationships with new friends in Nashville who i am raising my children with. i'm so blessed by the people that the Lord is putting in my life right now. i know the Lord answers prayers because all i've prayed for is for good friends in Nashville and He has given me that and more. once again, i'm overwhelmed.

my mom did her purpose here on earth.
she loved well.
and most importantly she loved the Lord!
it's all she talked about and all she desired.
and i'm thankful she did because she taught me that it is the ONLY way.
the only way to survive in this world.
it's not easy but at least i know where to draw strength and where to turn.

this year was a special time to remember mom.
dad took us out to dinner and we talked about so many stories that i couldn't even remember.
i think my heart was so broken i blocked out so much.
he told us stories we'd never heard.
he told us about her love for him and how it saved him.
he told us about her love for the wine country.
her love for will and the battle she fought for him to live.

if she was here i would have so many questions.

i told casey a couple of weeks ago that i have all i've ever wanted, all i've ever dreamed of.
now that i think about what i said i'm realizing that i'm at a place of acceptance.
and though it kinda makes me sad ... sad to move on, i know i'll never forget.
she'll always be a part of me.

i'm so grateful for the 19 years i had with my mom.
i know she's up in heaven with will smiling down on us all.
i know she's proud.